In Countenance

In 4 days, I’ll be older. Maybe, none the wiser but older. Big, old 25. Definitely in my quarter-life now.

Funny, isn’t it? When you’re young, you feel like when you turn 25, you’d be on top of the world. You’d be accomplished. You’d be this, you’d be that. Reality check, people: For some of us, it’s not that way.

Does that make us any less than those of you who have accomplished everything at 25? Maybe. But not having everything at 25 also means that we have more–so much more to look forward to.

I’ve been through hell and back this past year. I’ve loved much and been loved in return. I’ve had many mishaps. I took a lot of roads less traveled. I lied. I told the truth. I gained weight. Lost weight. Tryin’ to gain weight again. I left the place I grew up in. I went back, then left again. I moved somewhere new–way different than where I grew up in. I had a bit of a culture-shock thing. I tried to fit in. Tried to live simpler. Met new people. Took care of a lot of cats. Lost cats. Read a lot of books. Wrote. Wrote again.

Felt all these emotions. Knew people who knew all my shit and still loved me (here’s to you my beautiful, crazy ones). Knew people who didn’t even know half my shit and judged me relentlessly (I’ve nothing to say). Lost friends. Kept only the reliable, non judging but real ones. Had down times. Had fun times. Had nothing to do. Had so much to do. Rebuilt my faith (again, FAITH, not religion. Yeah, I’m agnostic, deal with it.) Questioned myself. Learned that some things will never change.

I’ve donned a lot of hats the past 24 years: Everyone’s favorite girl. Little genius. Smart, promising kid. Shy girl. Kontesera. Nerd. Miserable child. Crazy child. Lost girl. College girl extraordinaire. Jobless bitch. Busy girl. Selfless. Selfish. Good girlfriend. Bad girlfriend. Bad friend. Good friend. Too unsure of herself. I’ve been this, been that, more so, I’ve been me–whatever that means.

I’m turning 25 in 4 days. I’ve dealt with so much harsh realities. I may not have the answer to the question “How do you see yourself 5 yrs from now?” but does that even matter?

What I know is this: No matter how many times I’ve fallen, somehow, some way, even if it takes me a long, long while, I always, always try to get back on track. My track. Not yours, but mine.

I’ve dealt with shit–I’ve been shit. But sometimes, life and I get along just fine. Right now, I’d say I’m gettin’ back on track. Maybe it’s the unconventional kind. But I’m rolling with the punches and sometimes…sometimes my heart just says that I’m in the right place. That I’m okay. That it’s still all good.

I’m turning 25. I’m embracing it. I’m in the now.

I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby…I’m broke, but I’m happy, I’m brave but I’m chicken shit…and what it all comes down to, is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine…” –Alanis Morisette, “Hand in my Pocket”

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